Editor’s note: Jeff is
a little tired and grumpy this morning after his sleep study, so he will not
put up with bullshit. He expects you to
find every joke funny and to leave plenty of comments. What an ass.
I’m back from my latest sleep study and boy am I tired. The irony isn’t lost on me.
Just to backtrack for a moment, I have sleep apnea and
occasionally the various doctors in my life send me to a sleep clinic so they
can monitor my sleep and make little notes on my sleep patterns – such as do I
breathe while I sleep. Each visit has
been rather interesting and you can read about two of my prior visits here and here.
This was my first visit to a new sleep clinic, so I was
looking forward to the lovely amenities the sleep clinic offered. My previous clinic had free wifi, an ensuite
bathroom with shower, a TV, a large bed (though not comfy), and I chose my bed
time. Not quite the Hilton, but better
than the Super 8 Motel.
I should have known I was in trouble right from the
beginning. The nurse arrived in the
waiting room to collect my health card.
(For you American folks reading this, that’s because we have socialized
medicine and we need a health card to show we’re not American.) I asked her if there was free wifi and she
said yes there was and the password was the phone number to the clinic. “Oh, and what’s that?” I asked. “I don’t know,” she said and offered to look
it up. Strike one. She didn’t know the phone number of the clinic
she worked at. A comforting
thought. I suddenly became proud of her
for finding her office each night.
A few minutes later, she returned to the waiting room and
called out my name by reading from my health card – but just my middle and last
name. I looked at her and smiled and
said she kind of missed the name at the far left of my health card. She looked puzzled and then realized her
mistake. I hope I taught her a life
lesson about how one reads from left to right as opposed to somewhere-in-the-middle-to-right.
Perhaps she was just tired.
Strike two.
As I was being led to my room, she pointed out the communal
bathroom/shower --- grrrrr! – and communal sink to get a glass of water --
grrrr! – and my room with no TV – grrrrr! – and then she asked what time I went
to bed. I told her midnight and she said
that was great – she’ll come in at 1030pm to
shut off the lights with a wake up time of 6am. We were getting close to this being *worse*
than a Super 8 Motel…
After wandering down the hall to get a drink of water and
waiting in line to use the washroom, the same nurse that had greeted me in the
waiting room came in and explained she was going to be the one wiring me
up. This is the nurse that didn’t know
the phone number and couldn’t read my name on the health card. Now she was going to attach electrodes to my
skull. Couldn’t wait.
First, she explained, she needed to use an exfoliant on
little patches of my face and scalp to create a better signal for the
electrodes. I jokingly told her she didn’t
need to use electrodes because I broadcast in the FM signal band. She didn’t get it. I then jokingly said if she’s exfoliating
small portions of my face, can she just exfoliate my entire face and maybe she
can do my fingers and toes after.
She didn’t get that either.
After spending a good 5 minutes exfoliating seemingly random
patches of skin on my face and scalp, she then took some paste and covered those clean spots and attached electrodes to them. There were 3 on my scalp, 3 on my chin, a
couple under my eyes, and a partridge in a pear tree.
She then had me stand up and extend my arms to my
sides. Apparently we were about to do
some calisthenics before bed time. A
second nurse wandered in explaining she was here to assist the first nurse and
hey, that works for me! Two nurses
fawning over me, attaching electrodes to my body? It’s kinda hot in a way…sort of.
While I was standing there, the first nurse was explaining
how she’d be wrapping some bands around my chest. At the same time, the second nurse was behind
me, putting on gloves. I’ve always found
the concept of nurses wearing gloves to be odd.
I’m not sure if they’re doing it for my protection or their own. “Oh my gosh!
Look at him! I don’t want to get
whatever the fuck he has! I’m going to
put on these gloves and heck, we’ll put on this mask and full body armour just
for good measure.”
So, being (semi) kinky guy that I am, I said out loud: “I’m standing here with my arms extended at
my sides and there’s a nurse behind me putting on gloves. I saw a movie like this once.” They both laughed. I also wondered if they were going to spend
the night sending shocks to my brain.
The second nurse noticed that the first nurse was putting
some of the electrodes in the wrong spot.
Strike three. They actually had a
slight argument in front of me about whether certain electrodes were supposed
to be attached to the top of my head or slightly to the side. I wanted to tell them to flip a coin and get
on with it already, but again, I was already nervous about them shocking me all
night.
Finally, they were done!
I was wired up with no place to go.
They gently laid me down in bed, wires dangling everywhere. My feet were totally hanging off the edge of
the bed. Apparently the sleep clinic
normally only dealt with small people.
The pillows were also fun..
As I laid down on them, they felt like they were literally deflating. I went from having two fluffy pillows beneath
my head to these two dimensional, paper-thin wafers. I’ve seen soft pillows before, but this was
ridiculous. I would’ve had a bigger bump
beneath me if I was laying on two saltine crackers! These pillows were so thin, I could fold them
up and take them away with me in my wallet.
They were pocket pillows!
My CPAP mask was on, I was laying down, and that first nurse
announced that she was now going to turn on the CPAP machine. She asked if I was ready. If I was prepared. That I should take a deep breath first. (Note:
I’ve been using a CPAP machine for 5 years and she was aware of
this.) She pushed the button and…
A loud whooshing sound came out of the machine. Why?
Because she hadn’t attached the air hose from the machine to my
mask.
Seriously.
Strike four.
Because of how I was laying down, all I saw was some frantic
scrambling and mumbling. The second
nurse glided in and calmly told the first nurse to turn off the CPAP machine
and attach the hose. Meanwhile I’m
thinking: “And that’s a wrap,
folks! Can I get this order to go? I think I’m done here.”
They finally hooked me up – properly – got the machine
going, and I spent the next 7+ hours being woken up periodically because of
loose wires; my cold feet sliding off the bed and outside of the covers; the
oxygen meter on my finger sliding off; and almost choking myself to death
everytime I tried to roll over.
Basically your standard play party.
I was so tired this morning that as I was leaving the clinic,
I almost walked into a mirror by the entrance that was a reflection of the
parking lot. And now here I am writing
this.
I’m afraid to shower because I fear that the first nurse
accidentally left a few wires and electrodes strapped to my body and I’ll be
found dead days later in some sort of bizarre post-sleep clinic aftercare
accident.
Laugh, dammit! That
was funny.
What an ass.
3 comments:
At least you have a sense of humour about the whole thing :P Its been awhile since you posted, was happy to see you came back :)
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LMFAO...I'm glad you have a sense of humor about all that happened to you during this sleep study!!! Sounds like your most entertaining one yet *giggles* I'm just said you didn't have pictures from it this time :(
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