- Everytime I see a tub whipped butter I want to tell it not to give up
- Charlie, I told you: Shhhhhh! You had to talk, didn't you. "I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen." No, no you're not, Charlie. Try again.
- And now Charlie Sheen wants to sue CBS for 'mental anguish'. That's like Hannibal Lecter suing his victims for indigestion.
- Reports are Charlie Sheen's twitter account set the Guinness World Record for fastest time to gather 1 million followers. To celebrate, Charlie promptly drank the Guinness.
- Me visiting a psychic:
Psychic: You're gonna die within the week. I'll charge you half-price for this session
- Rather than hearing music when you're on-hold, I think you should hear a recording of someone typing on their computer talking to their colleagues about how they don't want to take the next call.
- Can someone have a fever in a hot place, like Florida? How can you tell? "Hey, I think I have a temp of 102. Then again, it's 105 outside."
- If you get half-baked you can fry your brain.
- True story. A recent dream I had: Diane Wiest was dressing me up in a ball gown to help 'soften my shoulders' before appearing on a newscast with Colin Mochrie.
- My plan is coming together, just as I planned.
- My comb's teeth need to be flossed
- Where there's smoke...there's me cooking.
- Heya is for horsesa