I won't bother writing more great poetry as my previous blog post (there was enough cheese there for a couple of sandwiches), so I'll get right to the point...if I ever have one.
I think the scene from Alien where the alien comes out of the guy's stomach was inspired by the writer watching his wife have a C-section.
It's nice to finally see black widow spiders and white widow spiders finally getting along.
For once I'd like to have pre-nasal drip.
When unicorns have babies, do they come out horn first? Do the horns grow later? I hope so.
Ballerinas like to be surprised. It keeps them on their toes.
Slug wedding processions must take forever.
- You'd think all Jewish men would be afraid of scissors.
- It's important all pregnant women attend prenatal classes to prepare them for when they become natal.
- Since love is blind, it typically uses a seeing eye dog
- Exactly what types of disguises do blessings use?
As a man, I've always been a bit self-conscious when hugging a woman. To put it bluntly: boobs -- they're in the way. It's tricky. As a guy, this really never comes into play. First of all, my dick is between my legs so rarely is there dick-to-anything contact. Secondly, guys don't hug...often...except after a few beers...and for one of a few limited reasons (i.e. the Leafs won the Stanley Cup).
Different-sized boobs require different types of hugs. My big-boobed friends require the "lean-in" approach where I have to angle in, bending at the waist, over top the boobs, barely clearing them by a half-inch or so being careful not to bend too much or stand too far away as that would cause me to topple over into her boobs.
My small-boobed friends (ok, ok, they're not small, they're a handful and the perfect size) are a bit easier to deal with in that respect. No leaning in. No angles to calculate. However, I do have to deal with the squeeze quotient. The squeeze quotient is precisely how much I can squeeze during a hug and not cause boob pain or trauma. I mean, I can feel them being compressed beneath me, so I know something's going on. In one sense, you have infants sucking on your nipples harder than a man trying to suck up the last drop of a keg through a straw, and yet you spend all day adjusting your bra because your boobs hurt. So how am I supposed to figure out what the squeeze quotient is? I need some guidance, dammit.
It's not really the sort of thing I can ask for feedback on right after a hug: "How was that for you? Your boobs ok? Here, let me fluff them up, they still look a bit flat. That better?" I'm just thankful guys don't have to deal with that...unless we were hugging a woman...and they offered to fluff.