Found it!

I'll keep this one short and sweet. I could make it longer, but that's more of a threat than anything else.

• I was walking through this haystack the other day and almost cut my foot open on a needle. How the hell did a needle get in there?
• Joe Wilson apologized to President Obama for shouting "You lie!" during Obama's speech to Congress. Obama told Wilson, "that's fine, but if it ever happens again, that's it! I'll have no choice but to invite you to the White House to have a beer with me and Biden."
• Wow, it's been 15 minutes already! Sorry, Kanye, your time is up. Sit the fuck down and if we want to hear from you again we'll send you an email or something.
• Jewish parents cannot give their kids piggyback rides.
• Chinese people have sweet and sour dreams
• When someone says "I'll try to keep this short..." It's already too late.
• People who are second have a lot of responsibility. They get to choose what direction the line forms in. I think these people should be checked out first before given such great power.