Friday, June 27, 2008
The reason for my disappearance is on Tuesday, I was diagnosed as having shingles. Now what are shingles, you might ask? How is it contracted? Is it contagious? What does it feel like?
My detailed answer is as follows: How the fuck should I know? Do I look like a doctor to you?
All I know is the symptoms are:
2) Extreme irritability
Ok, ok, settle down, I'm not that bad. Shingles are basically an adult version of the chicken pox. For some people, when they get the chicken pox, the virus doesn't truly leave the body. Instead it kinda hangs out in the spinal cord and sometimes puts in an appearance later on in life -- for many it doesn't.
The problem is, when it comes back, it's a lot more painful than the chicken pox, but it has some cool features too. Because the virus comes back by travelling along one nerve coming out from the spinal cord, the little spots and splotches are localized to one area of the body depending on what nerve the virus came from. Even cooler, it only affects one side of the body, since it's just the one nerve.
In my case, I have spots on the right side of my scalp and neck. So when I brush my hair, I can feel all these lumps on one side of my head, but not the other. How cool is that?!
Ok, it's actually kind of disgusting, but I'm on codeine right now for the pain and another med for the virus itself, so I'm feeling kind of good and in a sharing mood.
I'll be resting up over the next few days, so I likely won't have much to say (like I had a lot to say now) over the next few days. Next week should be exciting, though, with lots of interesting things going to -- to be revealed next week.
*Gasp* Did I just offer a teaser in my blog? I believe I did. Deal with it! Damn, there's that irritability again!
Monday, June 23, 2008
My thoughts that I post -- one or two sentence thoughts pointing out the absurd was very much influenced by George Carlin, though he did much more than that in his stand up routines.
He always found "word play" to be facinating as do I; why we use language the way we do and how insane the english language can be. A few posts ago, I mentioned "pre-packaging" and how strange that word is: How can something be packaged before it's packaged? That was partially inspired by a routine by George Carlin regarding airplanes where he talked about "pre-boarding."
Below are quotes from George Carlin gathered from various sources online. I think you'll see where some of my inspiration came from:
"Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!"
"You can’t argue with a good blowjob."
"In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem."
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"Electricity is really just organized lightning."
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Having been to a baby store recently, some further thoughts and observations about it...and other things mixed in:
- All baby outfits are cute. Take any adult outfit and shrink it and it automatically becomes cute. It could have a picture of a dead body on the front of the shirt with the words "Killer" on the back and it would still look cute. "Awww, the baby thinks he's a mass murderer. How adorable is that?"
- Apparently you can buy a wipe warmer now. Want to know what that is? It's a product that will warm baby wipes, so when you wipe a baby's butt, the wipe isn't cold -- unlike toiletpaper, the toilet seat and everything else the kid will have to face in a few years. What a load of shit (pun intended). The baby will have to deal with the trauma of cold wipes, and you know what? If I do have to heat a wipe, here's a simple, free way to do it: Place it between your hands for 20 seconds.
- I bought a Wii Fit yesterday. After doing a couple of exercises, it declared me unbalanced. Apparently this machine can measure both your physical AND mental health.
- A diner bubble apparently is another name for a high-chair.
- From when the baby is born until 2 years later, I must learn to say "nipple" and keep a straight face.
- Eyes are the windows to the soul. And the eyelids are the drapes.
- Baby toys and products can be named anything -- it's quite amusing. Screw the sophisticated names given to adult products. Example: The Ultra X-500 High-Blast Surround Stereo System . Take the same stereo and dump it into a Toys R Us and it transforms into My First Stereo -- for $50 more.
Friday, June 20, 2008
- It was reported a man lost 80 lbs eating only at McDonalds for a period of time. Though it was clarified he lost the weight by eating their salads and wraps. Of course the headlines all trumpet the fact he lost weight eating at McDonalds. No, he didn't lose weight because he ate at McDonalds. He lost weight because he ate healthy. The headline could've easily read: "Man loses 80lbs by eating salads and wraps...at home.
- I've noticed while at a baby store three things:
1) I need at least one of everything in the store
2) I don't know what 1/2 the things are -- but I still need them, I'm sure.
3) Each one of those things will be necessary only for about 1 week before the baby outgrows it, discards it, or eats it.
- Speaking of babies, I'm in the process of loading up the baby's rooms with all kinds of stuff for when my kid is born. Mobiles, stuffed animals, painted walls with all kinds of characters, etc. I'm not sure why, though. A newborn's eyesight is basically focused at a fixed length of a couple of feet for the first while -- they can't even seen all the stuff. This is why after a couple of months the baby is crying so much. It's because one day it opens its eyes and goes "Bwah! Where'd all this shit come from!"
- I don't get Stephane Dion's "revenue neutral" plan regarding placing a carbon tax, but then reducing income taxes. If it's revenue neutral, why go through the exercise of it all? Why not say "We're going to take 5% of your income taxes and dedicate it to green initiatives." Wouldn't that be easier? What's with shifting all the money around?
- It was reported the Mars Lander found bits of ice a couple of days ago. It was expected to find ice, but you think they would've consulted with Canadians first before sending up the probe. For example, rather than using a flimsy scoop, we would've had it include a big, plastic shovel. And once the ice was found, there would've been a mini-zamboni to get the ice ready for a game. I mean come on, if we're going all this way to find ice, we might as well use it for something.
- A good picture should be worth 3 words. No more. No less. It should generate one of two responses: "That is cool" or "What the fuck?"
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Based on a few comments I received about my lightning picture making the news:
1) No, I didn't snap the picture of lightning by frantically pressing the button over and over until I got lightning in the picture. I left the shutter open for a minute at a time.
2) No, the Toronto Star didn't randomly call me up and ask me if I happened to have lightning pics on me (though that would've been flattering). They asked for submissions, so I submitted two pictures. They happened to like one of them.
- Honesty is the best policy. In close second is Life Insurance.
- I can solve a Rubik's Cube in under 90 seconds -- under 60 seconds if the stickers are really loose.
- I've got a beautiful mind -- though it looks horrible naked.
- Life is too short to not have fun. But it's even shorter if you have too much fun.
- I'd like to try bungee jumping with some of those small bungee cords you use for your car. Hook like 40 of them together and see how it goes, though I'm guessing I'll only be able to try that once.
- I remember when I used to rent DVDs from a rental store. In order to establish a membership they'd ask for my license. It was only then I found out that apparently in order to rent a video, you also must be able to drive. Non-drivers are incapable of using a DVD player.
Monday, June 16, 2008
- Honda announced a new "emission-free" vehicle has gone into production. I guess it's emission free if you don't count the emissions coming from the car plant or from the plants that made the individual parts or the cars the workers drove to get to the plant. Other than that, the car is emission free. That's great.
- Dear car driver: When the light is red, that doesn't mean you can continue to slowly drift into the intersection. You look like an idiot being in the middle of the intersection, and even more so when all the other cars behind you pass you because they actually go when the light turns green.
- Cyclists rode their bikes naked over the weekend in Ottawa to protest their exposure to pollution...because everyone knows showing your penis or your breasts will get people to stop polluting. It might get them to throw pocket change, but that's about it.
- There's a new law being introduced in Ontario that will ban parents from smoking in cars -- relegating parents to only being able to breathe smoke on their kids at home, at the park, and at restaurants. How will they manage?
- There's a news report in the US that the extensive flooding there might be damaging to the economy. I'll just file that report under "DUH!"
- Dear car driver #2: Stop swerving around every pothole and bump on the road as if your car will fall apart with the slightest knock. You're almost hitting other cars and you're putting yourself and others at risk. If you truly believe your car is that fragile, you bought the wrong car. Get over it.
- Tiger Woods won the US Open golf tournament yesterday in a sudden-death playoff match against Rocco Mediate. They set a record for the most exciting match and also having the two coolest names in sports.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
- In Toronto over the past week, there has been one bus crash, one streetcar crash, and one bus driver arrested for allegedly being drunk while driving his bus. These days when I take the bus, I ask for a transfer and a life insurance policy.
- The Shuttle left the Space Station yesterday after being docked for 9 days. They actually meant to stay docked longer, but someone accidentally untied the rope and the shuttle drifted away.
- A report came out from the US Federal Government that pot these days is 30% more potent than previously. Seriously. The report is entitled: "Whooooooooa...I need chips like 30% faster than before!"
- I read today that shower curtains may be giving off dangerous, poisonous fumes and has bad chemicals in them. Geez, I thought that was just my feet. So I'll get rid of my shower curtain, because apparently that'll do damage, unlike my shampoo, fragranced soap, the conditioner that straightens and protects my hair, the shaving cream that softens my skin, hair gel that turns my hair so sharp and pointy it becomes a lethal weapon, and my deodorant that chemically interacts with my sweat to change the smell of it from shit to flowers.
- Weathermen are confusing. What's the difference between: Isolated and scattered? Rain and showers? Snow and flurries? Do they have someone who's VP of Splitting Hairs?
- A current ad mentions people should come to Newfoundland "...where there is no smog..." That's very true. The hurricane-force winds keep the smog from settling
- Gas retailers are being probed for price-fixing. How about we probe oil speculators for signs of brain activity.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Hmmmm, well I'll probably write about them again, so deal with it.
In the meantime, I few thoughts, comments and musings...
I hate it when someone is pulling out of an intersection and gets traffic to stop for them. Then they start waving and pointing for 20 seconds as they slowly make the turn. Get both hands on the wheel and make the friggin' turn. You're not accepting an Oscar, it's not a parade, and you're not the Queen. Just drive.
- In Friday's Toronto Star in an article about Hilary Clinton allegedly not wanting to be Obama's VP: "She is not seeking the vice-presidency, and no one speaks for her but her," communications director Howard Wolfson said. -- No one speaks for her apparently... except for Mr. Wolfson.
- Guess what the top headline in the Toronto Star website was on Friday evening. Was it:
b) Obama's historic win to become the presidential nominee for the Democrats
c) The Hockey Night in Canada theme song might be replaced.
You'd be wrong if you guessed A or B.
- The US announced the word's fastest computer today. It can do 1,000 trillion calculations per second! That's just about fast enough to figure out why people are excited about the New Kids on the Block reunion.
- I saw a baby chihuahua the other day. How can something be that small and have actual functioning organs inside? It was like 5 molecules wide. It was tripping over blades of grass, for crying out loud.
- Speaking of driving, as I was earlier, if you happen to switch lanes and don't signal, please stop acting surprised when you notice the driver you cut off seems to be angry at you.
- Yesterday, Toronto had a "severe weather" warning and a tornado watch. Apparently, a tornado is not severe weather.
- Freud would have a field day if he analyzed men who used ovens. You get to turn it on. When it gets turned on, it becomes hot. Once it's hot, you can put something in it. But make sure when you're putting something in it, you use protection. I'll stop the metaphor there before I get banned.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Batman, Superman, Spiderman and Wonderman have semi-retired from crime-fighting and have moved to a lovely condo complex in Miami. Still wanting to keep busy, but with limited territory, bickering ensues. Luckily, our superheroes are beginning to learn to live with each other -- and besides, Wonderwoman makes a kick-ass bundt cake.
We last left our annoyed, yet well-tanned superheroes dashing off to the see the Mayor at his request.
Wonderwoman and Superman bound into the Mayor's office...
Superman: We're here, Mayor.
Mayor: 'Sup, 'Supe?
Superman [mumbling to himself]: Fuck off. [Louder] As always, standing by for any emergency. We're ready for any troubles that might emerge; any emergency that might befall this great city, this great nation...
Wonderwoman: Holy over dramatics, Batman, I mean Superman. I think you've had one too many of my margaritas.
Superman: Yeah, yeah. Stop complaining so much. You're turning into Spidey more and more everyday. [Looks around] Where is he, anyway? He came with us...
Out in the hallway...
Spiderman: ...so there I was, facing my worst enemy. But I wasn't scared. Sometimes you have to face your fears to grow stronger.
Secretary [looking serious]: That's so profound!
Spiderman: I think you're kinda cool yourself. [Leans in] Listen, I need an assistant to test these new webs I've created and---
Superman: Spidey! Get your ass in here! The Mayor is waiting!
Spiderman jumps into the office.
Spiderman: Mayor McVayer! At your service, sir! [Turns to Superman] Hey 'Supe. Wassup?
Mayor: Welcome, Spiderman. Glad you're all here. I need to talk to each of you. We have a crisis on our hands, and only the four of you can help ussssssshey, there's only three of you! Where's Batman?
Wonderwoman: Oh, he took the bus. He'll be here in a few I'm sure. You know how route 53 is a bitch.
Superman: Mayor. What is this crisis you speak of? We're prepared for anything: Fiendish aliens from outer space; an insane convict running rampant in our fair city....
Mayor: ...slow drivers...
Superman: ...slow driv---sorry?
Mayor: The situation is worsening by the day. Elderly men and women are clogging our streets! They're barely doing 15 mph! I mean come on, this is getting nuts!
Batman runs into the room panting
Spiderman: Out of shape there, Busman -- uh, I mean Batman?
Batman: Don't make me use the Batbat on you!
Mayor: What's a Batbat?
Wonderwoman: Can we stay focused here, people?
Mayor: No, I mean are you stuttering? Do you mean two bats? Or just one? The flying kind? Why would you even bring that up? That's just silly.
Batman: [Sighs] As in a baseball bat! People, do I have to spell out everything?
Wonderwoman: PLEASE! Sorry, Mayor. You were saying...
Mayor: Yes, thank you Wonderwoman. Getting back to the problem at hand, it's horrible. Drivers are taking hours to drive only a few blocks. People walking on the sidewalk are going faster than people in their cars. And the slower they drive, the slower the cars behind them drive. It's an epidemic, I tell you! Something must be done!
Superman [putting his hands on his hips]: We're at your service!
Spiderman: Speak for yourself 'Supe.
Superman: No! We're in this together. All for one and one for all!
Spiderman: Is that what the Three Amigos say?
Wonderwoman: The Three Muskateers, Spiderbreath.
Superman [glares]: We're all in this together. Quickly! Everyone, hands on your hips, like what all superheroes do when they want to feel special.
Everyone puts their hands on their hips.
Superman: No no. Not you, Mayor. When civilians do it, they look stupid.
Mayor [clears throat]: Oh. Yes. Sorry.
Wonderwoman: I'll take my invisible jet and try to get an overhead view of what's happening. Ah shit, I can't. It's getting washed. Bird shit on the windows.
Superman: That's ok. I'll take a look. Wonderwoman, you go to the gated communities and see if they can seal people in for now. No more cars on the streets. Spidey, you go direct some traffic. Try to get those folks turned around and heading home. Batman...
Batman: I'll make use of my Bat-car-speeder-upper and the Bat-car-turner-arounder-to-go-homer. I have them right here in my utility belt...
Superman: Good job! Lets go.
They run out of the office.
Spiderman [stopping]: Sorry, I never caught your name.
Secretary [smiling]: It's--
Superman: Get your ass over here, Spidey!
Spiderman: Gotta go!
Batman [while running]: Hey, anyone have bus fare?
...to be continued...
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Some thoughts for today:
- The next time Stéphane Dion and the Liberals are absent from a Parliament vote, they should be required to bring a doctor's note. This is getting ridiculous.
- What the heck is "pre-packaged". It's either packed or it's not packaged. How does something become packaged before it's packaged.
- I hate camping. There's too much pressure to be happy.
- The team that should win the Stanley Cup is the team that has the best beards. It would make for an interesting series finale. Teams would be scrambling to hire old Italian women. Some of the younger kids would be let go because they end up with these little patches of fuzz on their face. It looks like they're growing friggin' mold on their cheeks.
- Hulk Hogan's son, who's in jail for causing a crash that seriously injured his friend, wants to be let out of solitary confinement because it's causing him anxiety because he's by himself in a cell. Um, he's in jail, not his bedroom being asked to "think about what he did" while everyone else is at the party. He thinks he's anxious now? Let him interact with the rest of the inmate population.
- Hilary Clinton has finally announced that in fact Barack Obama has the number of delegates needed after she was given a calculator. According to sources, she punched in a few numbers and looked up at aides and said, "No shit. I think I lost."
- Can one of those trucks that delivers gas actually run out of gas itself? That would be embarrassing.
Monday, June 2, 2008
A few ponderings from the weekend...
- I won a bag of "natural" dog food in the raffle the other day. I wasn't aware that lamb naturally came in the form of dry pellets.
- Some media outlets published photos of an "uncontacted tribe" found in the Amazon. The picture is of tribe members aiming their bows at the plane. I guess they're not "uncontacted" anymore, are they? Wouldn't want to disturb them or anything. Scare the crap out of them with a plane, eh? If you actively look for uncontacted tribes you're going to find them and contact them.
- I tested the waters the other day. It passed.
- You want to know how you can tell when you've been stood up on a date? When you're finished waiting and...stand up.
- I wish people would get over Obama's Pastor already and how it reflects on Obama. It doesn't. What if Hilary's neighbour turned out to be some sort of horny, weird dude? Are we supposed to think this reflects on her?! Though, it would explain Bill...
- Always question a man's motives whose hands are always in his pockets