Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign...

There's a sign out front of the bagel store around the corner from me.

The sign reads: "No live animals allowed on the premises"

So I'll get kicked out if I walk in with my dog. But if I walk in carrying a dead bird, I'll be allowed to stay (Monty Python sketches aside).

An interesting sign I saw today on a bus as it drove by: "Not in Service Express"
Apparently, this is a bus that isn't in service, but at least it's not in service really fast.

Sorry, that's all for today, folks...

Eccentricities

What's the difference between weird and eccentric?

My theory: It's all about the money.

If you make over half-a-million dollars a year and you do something quirky, you're considered eccentric.

If you make under half-a-million dollars a year and you do something quirky, you're considered weird.

Perfect example:

Bill Gates has over 500 different sweaters in his closet. Boy is that guy eccentric!
Jeff has over 500 different sweaters in his closet. Boy, is that dude weird!

Side note: I only have 3 sweaters in my closet.

Oh, and one random thought (like the above wasn't random):

Question: What's the opposite of disillusioned? Illusioned? Is that any better?

More thoughts on Doctors

Some thoughts about the doctor:

How a doctor treats you
Birth to Age 18
Me: "My throat hurts and my nose is running."
Doctor: "Ok, I'm going to run a throat culture, give you these anti-biotics and to be on the safe side, we'll x-ray your nose."

Age 19 to Age 35
Me: "My throat hurts and my nose is running."
Doctor: "...and I hurt my elbow playing tennis. Get over yourself. Suck on some ice and blow your damn nose."

Age 35+
Me: "My throat hurts and my nose is running."
Doctor: "Hmmmm, let me check your prostate..."

What do you say when you're giving the nurse your urine sample
"Here, this is for you. Have fun."
"How's that for ya!"
"Hey, is that yellow, or what!"
"Shit, a new speed record for me!"
"Watch the jar there as I got a little splash if you know what I mean..."

Good Luck!
Anyone else find it odd that when going to the hospital for an operation, you're wished "Good luck?"

Why are we wished luck before an operation? We're unconscious the entire time! "Hey Jeff, good luck on that operation. Hopefully you sleep the entire time. Good luck in that!"

I'm pretty sure good luck isn't covered by medical insurance: "Hi, does my coverage include extra luck? No? How about good luck? No? Just luck in general? Wow, so it might be good OR bad luck! How do I upgrade my coverage?"

Random randomness

• What's the difference between famous and infamous? Flammible and inflammible?
• Raindrops bounce. Cheques also bounce. I've never seen either actually happen.
• When you're being arrested, a cop tells you about your right to remain silent...and then asks you to answer if you understand those rights. If you understand them, shouldn't you remain silent? I think this is a trick question to confuse the suspect.
• Never judge a book by it's cover. So rip off the cover. Now it's much easier to judge.
• When is it going to dawn on people that the author of all those Winnie-the-Pooh books has named some poo "Winnie?"
• Ingredient list on a 7-11 Hotdog: Bun, hotdog
• I'm against having tasers given to civilians, but I have no problem with having defibulators accessible to the public.
• This Kurt Cobain guy is going to go really far with his music as long as he doesn't do anything stupid or over-dramatic
• Some people say I'm going crazy. Sometimes I'm told I'm coming back to reality. I have to make up my mind if I'm coming or going
• By order of the government, all textbooks will now contain verbs

Friday's Thoughts

Hooray! It's Friday. This means a few random thoughts to tide you over the weekend...

• I found a needle in a haystack...um, now what do I do?
• I don't think a wolf in sheeps clothing is the way to go. I mean a wolf is so much skinnier. There'd be these flaps of cloth hanging off of it and it would fit horribly. A wolf would look better in a dog's clothing. It would fit nicely and they'd look less vicious.
• You had me at "Yes, of course I'll take my clothes off."
• Be careful about describing yourself as "the girl next door." I've seen the girl next door to me. You don't want to describe yourself as her.
• I think cats have to stop collecting tongues. Don't they have enough already? What are they doing with them anyways?
• A normal round of applause is really a sitting ovation. I think that sounds more exciting.
• If a pitcher beans the hitter in baseball, does the hitter yell back: "Oh yeah! Nine can play at that game!"
• Exactly how much is a "crock of shit?" It sounds like a lot. Maybe that person should get checked out by a doctor.

The Levels of Dating

I have a lot to learn about women. I'm slowly learning, but they don't offer the classes online, so I have to learn through my friends. Dating is a prime example where verbs are everything...

As a guy, there are basically two levels of dating:
1) Single -- can see as many girls as we want as often as we want.
2) Married -- can see one girl as often as we want.

Most guys hang on to number 1 as long as they can because #2 is kind of limiting. It's really a simple thing: Level 1: You meet a girl; you like her; you have sex with her; you have sex with her enough and like it you buy her a ring so you can keep doing it with her for a number of years. This leads to level 2...

But with women, there seems to be a few more stages. In order:
1) He's really nice
2) He's cute
3) I'm interested in him
4) I'm seeing him
5) I'm going out with him
6) I like him
7) We're seeing each other
8) I'm dating him
9) He's my boyfriend
10) I love him
11) Probably going to get married
12) I'm pre-engaged
13) We're engaged
14) We're married

That's not even including these "one-off" situations that you can insert at any stage:
1) Infatuated with him
2) He's my friend
3) My fuck-friend
4) A friend with benefits (note this is different than #3, I've been informed).

Getting into details about all of these levels if for another posting...or five.

But, this is why men get confused about relationships so easily. He proudly introduces his girlfriend to his friends: "Meet Suzie. We're sort of seeing each other." She glares at him: "Seeing each other?! What the hell?"

See, in his mind, he's somewhere on Level 1 for a guy. For a girl, she heard "We're at level 4" while in her mind, they're at level 8. Biiiiiiiig difference in levels. That's a whole 100% difference, in fact.

It's easy to test this theory. Ask any non-married woman friend the status of their relationship and guaranteed she'll select from one of the 14 on the list (or in combo with one of the one-offs) very quickly and definitively.

Ask a guy the same question and he'll always start the same way: "Uh, hmmm. I dunno. I guess we're..."

I'm going to get beat up now, aren't I?

Newspaper Headline

Headline from a local Toronto newspaper: "100,000-year-old skull delights scientists"

What is this 100,000 year old skull doing to delight them? Telling some jokes? Does it do stand up? Perhaps it broke out in a rendition of West Side Story? Rarely do people who are ALIVE delight others.

I can't wait until they find the rest of the skull's body:

"100,000 year old body entertains and enthralls scientists -- leads to standing ovation."

Longer random thoughts

I normally have these little one-sentence bullet-points. Well sometimes my thoughts are longer *gasp*. Here are a few of them from the past week that have been bugging me:

Suntan lotion
As seen in an advertisement:

A new suntan lotion (I'm leaving the brand name out), with "dry touch" technology. It's greaseless, and weightless.

Two comments: First the word "technology" should never be used with a suntan lotion. It's a LOTION. Unless you're putting nano-bots in there, I don't want to hear about it. Second, I didn't realize that suntan lotion was heavy. Is this a problem the general public is having?

"Gee, Marge, I'd jump in the water with you, but since I put on this suntan lotion, I can't move. Damn thing weighs a ton!"

I'm Busy
I have a problem that has been difficult to admit to. It has to do with the word "busy". I sincerely believe there was a conspiracy with keyboard designers regarding the word "busy", but I might be wrong. Hear me out on this one.

Type the word "busy". Make any mistakes? I do all the time. I type out the word "busty".
Why do I type out "busty"? Look at the placement of the letter "t". It's right next to the letter "y"! The conspiracy is obvious. I'll be chatting up a woman and want to ask "Are you busy?" You know what comes out? "Are you busty?"

Now I'm sure Freud is laughing in his grave right now, but sometimes a breast is just a breast. That's what he said, wasn't it? Freud, I can hear you from here. Shut up! :P

Not bad, not bad
So I was saying hello to someone today. I asked how they were doing. Their answer: "Not bad."
But wait a second -- what did we just say? "Not bad" -- that doesn't tell us a thing. I didn't ask what you're NOT. I ask how you ARE.

Can you imagine doing this at a restaurant?
Waiter: "And what would you like for dinner this evening?"
Patron: "Well, lets see here. I'm definitely not going to have the salad, and screw the fish fillet."
Waiter: "Perfect, very good sir."

If I asked you what car do you have, would you say "Not a Honda?"

So why is it acceptable when you ask someone how they're feeling? I think it's really avoiding the question when you think about it (and try not to think about it too hard).

So when you ask someone how they're doing, if they answer with "Not bad." say to them: "Cool. So you might be happy, or angry, or sad, or frustrated, or borderline psychotic with rage -- you wanna pick one of those?"

Thank you.

This has been a paid commercial announcement.

P.S.

A colleague of mine is totally into those weird, wacky and wonderfully techno-geek stuff that you see at shows or on TV sometimes. She's got a fantastic blog highlighting those wonderful items and you just have to see it.

To quote her intro: "...it will include various topics on gadgets, unique items from around the web, thoughts, possibly sports and a lot more" You have to check out her blog sometime.

http://whatdoyoucallit.blog.com/

Dating Website Tips

I have no problem saying that I'm quite familiar with dating websites. I see profiles almost daily and I have some interesting observations and comments. I don't claim to be perfect or an expert, but I can offer a few suggestions and comments. If any of these apply to you, don't take it personally...

Picture Do's and Don'ts

• If there is someone else in the picture with you, crop them out. Don't make put a big black mark over their head. It looks like you're a hitman showing who you're going to take out next.
• Speaking of people in your pictures, do NOT post a picture of you at YOUR wedding; you on a date; or you in any scenario when you're with an ex-significant other. Basically you're saying to potential dates: "Here's a list of other people that will complicate your life."
• Do use a picture of yourself in a "normal" situation. While you may look amazing in that ball gown or tux, chances are that's not how you're going to show up for your date.
• Don't use a blurry picture, unless you're a blurry person.
• Make your picture match your profile. I see so many profiles where people say they're the most delightful person to be around and their picture is of them frowning like they've just been told to f-off or they're the most flirtatious person in the world and they're glaring into the camera.
• Don't pose with your car, motorcycle, computer or any other form of machinery. People want to date you, not your car. Yes, yes, I know people think your car is hot...
• If you're 40, don't post a picture of you when you were 20. Do you think your date won't notice when you meet?
• Guys, stop with the penis pictures. Please. Let go of it, take two steps back and stop and think with your OTHER head for once. A woman wants to date you -- your penis happens to be attached. And if you happen across a woman who's rather interested in your penis, try not to act like a dick (pun intended).

Profiles Do's and Don'ts

• If I read one more time: "Save a horse, ride a cowboy"... It was funny and unique at one time. It's not anymore.
• Do not post any sort of line you read on a bumper sticker or t-shirt and claim it as your life philosophy. It is not. You don't talk that way and you don't think that way. It might be a great ideal to strive for, but you do not truly "Live every moment like it's your last." Frankly, that's rather gruesome.
• Be unique -- just like everyone else. Oh wait, that's from a t-shirt. Nevermind.
• Talk about what you like, not about what you dislike. Your ad shouldn't start off with "No" followed by a list of 15 points.
• Don't reveal your entire life story from birth to present day. Otherwise, your date will consist of "So what's new since your ad?"
• General rule: If you're saying it in your ad, it's something you'd normally say in person. If not, it doesn't belong in your ad.
• If you're funny in your ad, be prepared to be funny when you're on your date. If you're serious in your ad, be prepared to have a serious date.
• One-word: Spell check. Wait, that's two words. Or is it spell-check? Spellcheck?

Plane Stories

I'm heading off to Peru in about a month.

I'm a logical person. I know that planes are extremely safe. I know that the pilot flying the plane is reasonably skilled at what they do. Yet, I happen to be a nervous flyer. Not scared per se, just nervous. So why am I nervous? Two reasons:

First, I'm afraid of heights. Actually, that's not true. As George Carlin so aptly put it: "I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of FALLING from heights." That sums it up quite nicely. I know that planes are safer than my car. But my car isn't flying at 35,000 feet. If my car's engine sputters, I pull over to the side of the road. The plane's engine sputters and we'll be all over the road.

Second reason. One word: Turbulence. Yes, yes, I know the physics behind it. But what it boils down to is here's a million tonne ball of metal flying through clear air and all of the sudden it's bouncing and shaking like it's about to rattle apart. When I'm in my car, I can see the pothole coming. There are no potholes in the sky...I think.

Additionally, I've had a few incidents on planes that have scared me. The one that stands out in my mind -- and this is entirely true -- was the time I had a seat looking out over the wing. While we were waiting to back away from the gate, an airport employee (presumably a mechanic), hopped up on the wing and wandered over to a hole in the wing I hadn't noticed. Yes, a hole.

It appeared that a small 1' x 1' panel had been taken off (or ripped off? torn off? blown off?) the wing leaving the inside of the wing exposed. The mechanic, with all his years of skill, training, experience, and an engineering degree that costed thousands of dollars, he took out a roll of duct tape and began to tape the hole.

Now, I don't know about you, but seeing someone tape a hole shut on a wing doesn't sound very enticing. I felt like going out and offering him some glue. Hell, I'll splurge for staples! Or perhaps, even better, the actual panel that belonged there?! If I'm paying a few hundred dollars on a plane ticket, do me a favour and use something other than tape on the wing...please! I envisioned the newspaper headlines: "Wing falls off of plane. Mechanic apologizes. Investigation showed he used Scotch tape instead of Masking Tape."

Next time, I'm flying first class. At least that way I can get drunk off the good scotch before I noticed these problems.

I've got other stories and I'll share some over time. I'm sure you do too, and I'd love to hear them.

I spent the entire flight staring at the tape the mechanic had stuck to the wing. It never blew off.

A Meeting at Emoticon-Overusers Anonymous

"Ok, lets begin but first, lets get focused here.
Kathy, get that damn grin off your face.
Susan your tongue is out again -- you're not a damn dog.
Bill, stop thinking and listen to me.
Phil, what the hell is bothering you this time?!
And Frank, stop being so shocked that you're at this meeting, ok?!"

Thursday's Thoughts

• I find it ironic that when you're trying to "shush" someone, you actually have to be louder than everyone else.
• Speaking of shushing, have you ever noticed how difficult it is to say "SHHHHHHHH!" loudly and not spit on everyone within 10 feet of you? Do they stop talking because you shushed them, or because they're wet.
• A surgeon and a bank robber: Both men put on masks so you can't identify them and wear gloves so there are no fingerprints left behind. One takes money, one will cut you open with a knife. Which sounds more scary?
• Ever trip over your words while putting your foot in your mouth? Sounds like some sort of Cirque du Soleil act.
• Little known fact: When novice mountain climbers panic, their instructors tell them to "Calm down and get a grip!"
• Stutterers can't even say the damn word that describes their condition without killing themselves. How mean is that?

My visit to the doctor

Another year, another visit to the doctor. This actually happened waaaay back in October, but I decided to hold off on sharing it until now. As always, I find physicals to be an odd experience.

First, when I arrived, the secretary asked me for my health card, which I dutifully pulled out of my wallet. But then she asked if I had brought a urine sample with me. Well normally I carry a sample with me in my wallet just in case, but geez, I guess I had left it at home. What an odd question!

So I said I hadn't and she asked me to "provide" one. So off I went wandering to the washroom, when I heard the secretary get on the phone behind me and call the nurse. "Jeff is here and will be providing a urine sample shortly."

Apparently, they must announce my urine sample -- I'm that important, you see. So now, not only do I have to provide a sample, but I have to do it quickly before the nurse comes knocking on the washroom door. "I know you're in there! You have 30 seconds to come out with your cup full!"

I've always found the whole peeing in the cup thing to be a bit weird. I can barely do it. I don't know how women do it. You have to consider the angles, wind speed, cup size, then you've got to hold the cup with one hand and aim with the other...am I getting too graphic yet? I think men should get some sort of medal for filling the damn cup.

Next up the doctor checked my weight. Of course, I got weighed with my clothes on. "You weigh 165 lbs," the doctor says.

"Actually, I weigh 162 lbs," I correct her as she's taking notes.

"Right." She smiles at me. I lean over her shoulder to see what she wrote. 165. Can we put an asterisk next to that or something? I've got a wallet and keys that weigh a good 5 lbs between them...

Then they do that annoying test where they prick your finger and draw a drop of blood to check my glucose level. I hear the doctor say "Hmmmmm," as she checks the glucose meter. "It's low."

Well of course it's low! You told me not to eat or drink anything for 12 hours! I'm dying for a Big Mac over here and you're surprised I have low blood sugar. I'm going into organ failure and you're trying to put two-and-two together. And no, I wasn't bitter at the time...

Now she's poking and prodding me everywhere as she asks these insane questions: "Have you ever had a dizzy spell?" Yes, usually when I'm spun around. "Have you ever had trouble urinating?" Yes, I was once on this plane trying to pee in the middle of moderate turbulence -- now that was trouble. "Any pain while making a bowel movement?" Love that term. A bowel movement. Sounds much cleaner than what it is. For once I'd love to hear a doctor say: "So, does your ass hurt when you take a shit?" Now that would be funny.

So she finishes up with her poking and prodding (ok, his stomach is soft and mushy -- good...and his shoulders seem to be boney -- that's excellent), she dons the rubber glove *gasp*. After rummaging around for awhile and confirming that everything is where it should be (though she did find that other sock that I haven't seen in ages), she said everything was fine. Though, I thought now would be a good time to ask if my butt hurts when I go to the toilet. If it didn't before, it will now!

Next up, my blood tests -- 13 vials! You see, because I'm a runner, she wanted extra bloodwork done to confirm I'm healthy. Ironically, if I was lazy and overweight, she would've ordered fewer tests. There's motivation for you!

So now the nurse is drawing my blood. I swear to you it took a good 10 minutes because that's how long it takes to fill 13 vials of blood. I might as well have ordered a pizza -- it would've arrived by the time they finished. In fact, at the end, the nurse asked me if I was ok...

"Yes I am."
"Are you sure?" She sounds concerned.
I laugh. "Yes, I'm sure. Why?"
"Well you look kind of pale."
I stare at her for a moment. "Well I would think so. You just took 13 vials of blood. There's nothing left in me. If you give me some back, I promise I won't look so pale."
She laughed and suggested I go get something to eat -- like a pizza.

More Randomness -- Animal Edition

Ok this post sucks badly. Read at your own risk. Personally, I'd suggest you skip it and move onto my other rather delightful postings beneath this one.

So why post it at all, you say? Because if I don't, these thoughts remain in my head, and we really don't want that to happen now, do we...

• When insects get annoyed, do they say "Stop bugging me!"
• I think cats should go on strike. They've been stuck with having 9 lives for decades now. With inflation, they should be up to at least 20 or 30 lives.
• I'm surprised dogs don't kill us when we take them for a walk. They spend most of their day walking around already -- off-leash. Now it's time to take the "for a walk." So first thing we do is put on a leash so they can't actually go anywhere. Now we're going to take them outside but they have to walk within 6 inches of my leg with all of these different rules about heeling, sitting, etc. Yeah, that's fun.
• Turtles live to be 100 years old because it takes them that long to get anywhere.
• A group of birds is called a flock. A group of cattle is called a herd. A group of monkeys should be called a barrel.
• I wonder if I started mimicking a parrot it would get pissed off at me or find it really cool.
• When a ladybug sits down, it crosses her legs
• Zebras are really horses that have escaped from jail.

Today's thoughts

• When I go to get my haircut, it's all about the scalp massage you get when your hair is shampooed. I don't care if you shave my head as long as I get a 10 minute scalp massage.
• I love how the dentist asks you to book your next appoinment 6 months ahead. It's mid-January and the receptionist asks with a very serious face: "How does July 8th at 8am sound to you?" I've always wanted to answer "Nope, I'm busy." like 5 times in a row with an equally serious face.
• Things you don't want to hear your doctor say: "Whoa! Now that's a new one."
• I hate it when someone doesn't finish their
• Do people who work at a garbage dump have waste baskets? Or do they just toss their garbage out back?
• I feel badly for pandas. They always have this happy look on their face. Can you imagine a panda that's sad? How can you tell?
• "Don't worry about that whale. It doesn't eat humans -- only shrimp." To a 20 ft, 100 tonne whale -- I'm pretty sure I look like a shrimp.

The Wedding Day

Sometimes, being a guy is better than being a woman. Example: The Wedding Day.

The Woman
5am: Time to wake up.

5:30am: You shower thoroughly, but you cover your hair since it'll be washed later at the salon

5:45am: Shave and wax, even though this was also done the previous week.

6am: No time to eat since you have to be at the salon at 7am because your soon-to-be-in-laws are going to be there as well as your own family.

6:30am: After figuring out what schleppy clothes you can wear, you dash off to the salon.

7am-9am: Your hair is done perfectly! This is partially because you've "rehearsed" doing your hair at least 4 times previously at the salon. It only takes 2 hours to cut, colour, style, rinse and then cover your hair with enough hair spray and mousse that it'll remain frozen in that position until your 10th wedding anniversary.

9am-11am: You spend the next two hours telling your soon-to-be-in-laws how their hair looks wonderful while secretly cringing at your mother-in-laws "experiment" with the colour purple.

11am: You rush back to your house to meet your bridesmaids and to get on your dress. You wonder why all of your bridemaids are cringing simply because you've chosen to use the colour purple for their dresses.

Noon - 3pm: It takes you 3 hours to put on your dress because of all the straps, buttons, knobs, tubes, lotions and pulleys required to secure the dress in place while at the same time not ruining your hair.

3pm: FINALLY! The dress is on and you're ready to go to the place where the ceremony will take place. Of course, you still need to get pictures done beforehand. You've also been drinking non-stop since 7am and you now wonder if the dress has some sort of built-in hole so you can pee without taking it off.

5pm: After pictures, the ceremony is about to begin. Your soon-to-be husband looks amazing. All you can think about is how you're going to spend the rest of your life with him and how meaningful this moment is in your life. You wonder how his day went.


The Man
Noon: You wake up.

12:30pm: You decide because this is such an important day, you're going to shower AND shave. In the shower, rather than just soaping up your underarms, feet and crotch, you actually clean your entire body. When you shave, you use shaving cream and a mirror.

1pm: You use a brush to brush your hair for the first time in 5 years.

1:30pm: Your groomsmen show up with pizza, beer, and you watch the game for awhile.

1:30pm - 3pm: It takes you 90 minutes to get your tux on because you can't figure out what order to put everything on. Do you wear suspenders AND the cumberbun? Which goes on top of the other? Who the hell invented this thing anyways?!

2:15pm: While getting dressed, your friends speculate on whether or not you'll get laid tonight.

3pm: You have to pee. No probs, you just unzip your fly and pee.

3:30pm. It's halftime of the football game you're watching. You realize you were supposed to have pictures done at 3pm.

4pm: You arrive at the place where pics will be taken. You desperately apologize to everyone. Your mother-in-law whispers in your ear that your fly is undone.

5pm: After pictures, the ceremony starts. Your soon-to-be-wife looks amazing. You wonder if you'll get laid tonight.

Friday's thoughts

Yes, even on a Friday sometimes things pop into my head...

• Which is more: a tad, or a bit? This sort of thing bugs me.
• Speaking of the word "bit", isn't it redundant to say "a little bit?" Isn't that like saying "a little little?"
• A knife is just a fork with only one tine.
• I stopped giving people a piece of my mind last week because I only have one piece left.
• Fish are always taking a bath.
• I think road rage is caused by people who have high blood pressure. High blood pressure is caused by too much salt. Therefore, we should stop salting the roads and road rage will go away.
• I went on one of those budget airlines. There's no first class -- only "economy class" and "hang on to the wing"
• I enjoy driving -- especially when I'm driving someone insane.
• I'm a man of substance -- and that substance is vodka.

Shampoo Shopping

So I went shopping for shampoo the other day. I'm a guy, so shampoo shopping should be a simple exercise -- sort of like buying underwear. As far as I'm concerned, there's one type of shampoo: the type that cleans your hair.

I knew I was in trouble when I reached the shampoo *aisle*. Not a shelf, not a small section with a few different brands, but an entire aisle dedicated to different types of shampoo.

There was shampoo for people with dry hair, with wet hair, straight hair, curly hair, people who WANT to have straight hair, people who WANT to have straight hair but their stupid hairdresser screwed it up and now they have a bad perm...

As a guy, I just want something that cleans my hair. So I began reading labels looking for something that just mentioned cleaning hair. The closest I got was a shampoo labelled as "Classic Clean" which I can only imagine is similar to Classic Coke. Is there a New Clean?

I ultimately bought the Classic Clean shampoo and I only hope I don't need to buy a conditioner. Classic Conditioner? Lets hope so.

Of House and Home

I live in a house. I call it my home.
My neighbour lives in a house. But that is his home. To me, it's just a house.

You can build a treehouse, but it never truly becomes a treehome. Why?

You drive a motorhome, but it's never a motorhouse. Why?

A baseball player hits a homerun, hopefully to packed stadium of fans -- a full-house.
But when he leaves the stadium, he's "left the building."

I can have a full house in poker, and a full home if I happen to have a lot of kids.

If I'm doing the dishes, that's housework.
If I'm doing a report in psychology, that's homework.

Alright, enough rambling from me. I'm going to go watch some TV.

Maybe I'll watch, ahem, House.

Did You Know?!...

I love reading those "Did you know" bits of trivia that no one really knows if it's true or not. Personally, someone has to be making these up. I can't imagine there's a scientist out there calculating it would take 100 people farting at the same time to fill a balloon full of hot air in less than 1 minute. Granted, I tested that theory in college with some friends...

So here's my version of Did You Know. I believe these have all been thoroughly researched by someone, somewhere at a prestigious university.

Did you know...

• Spiders love country music. They can do the two-step 4x faster than any other animal.
• If you walk backwards more than 100 steps without looking, there is a 90% chance you'll get run over, fall down some stairs, or get mauled by a bear.
• Most ice cream bought at amusement parks will take 3 hours or longer to melt -- including when it's in your stomach.
• Owls in the U.K. are more refined than owls in the U.S. Owls in the UK say "Whom"
• Pigs do not like shit.
• The phrase "Look ma, no hands!" was originally invented by a really bad sword juggler.
• If everyone jumped up and down at the same time, the entire Earth would crack like an egg. If everyone jumped up and down a second time, the Earth would crack in two and a big chicken would pop out.

Fingers

I feel badly for fingers. So little comes from our fingers. It's all about the thumbs. Don't believe me? I'll explain.

You might have a green thumb, for example. That doesn't mean you have a medical condition. A green thumb is a good thing.

But you can't have too many thumbs because then you might become all thumbs. That is bad. A green thumb is good. All thumbs are bad. I don't know what happens if you're all green thumbs. Does that make you a really good, but clumsy gardener?

But then you can give someone thumbs up! Or down. Or if it's really good, two thumbs up! Someone did that once and decided to copyright their thumbs. Now only a few select people can truly give two thumbs up.

You can thumb your nose at someone, though I've never seen anyone do that. I suppose that's because if you do it at the heat of the moment, you might miss and pick your nose instead -- or poke an eye out.

You've got thumb tacks, but not finger tacks, though you use your fingers too. Thumbs can be at war with each other, and even your arms can get into it when you arm wrestle. But your fingers? Nothing. Zip.

Thumbs can hitch you a ride, but you can't point to where you're going unless you use your finger. How weird is that?

But pointing is rude, so you shouldn't do that. So is using your middle finger, though somehow that becomes "flipping the bird." Where are all these upside down birds? I have yet to see one. But that's another story for another day.

Lets do more with our fingers and give our thumbs a rest. Ladyfinger anyone?

Today's Random Thoughts

• Do firemen find it ironic when they're fired?
• Where do they grow sod for your lawn? Isn't it just someone else's really big lawn? I guess just about anyone can become a sod farmer. I'm selling some sod. I have some in the front and some in the back.
• Only weathermen know the difference between "Rain" and "Showers"
• Can you imagine people were like dogs? If we wanted something, we'd just pee on it. If we were horny, any old leg would do to get off. Life would be so simple.
• Crossed my fingers, crossed my legs and crossed my heart. One of those three doesn't make sense. Take a guess which one.
• I'd like to think I'm a smart guy. Then I remember: "Oh yeah, I'm a guy! Nevermind."
• I love apple crumble. That's where you have crumbled brown sugar on top of cooked, sliced apples. Personally, I just go for the brown sugar. I think the apple is just there as a plate for the brown sugar. It might as well be brown sugar on radishes -- same thing.
• Can you imagine if an onion truck spilled it's load on highway? The police would show up to find the driver in tears.
• I'm facinated by these people who feel lonely and then go and get like 56 cats. Of all the types of pets to get, they chose cats? So you didn't have any friends before and now you're ignored by 56 pets all at once. Nice job.
• The next time you're in a canoe, everytime you paddle, make motorboat sounds, especially if you're paddling in the stern. People love that.
• I've been told you cannot wear white after Labour Day, but no one has ever told me when you can start wearing white again. I've gone 15 years without wearing white. I'm still waiting.
• I've always wondered how they put those blocks together to make igloos. My theory is there's a product called Igluesticks that they use. Though, I've never seen it in stores, so I'm just guessing.

If you pay him enough, maybe he'll do it for free

One of the things I harp on is the use of the word "free" and how it's used, especially by various commercial enterprises.

Last year, on my trip to Miami, I stayed in a hotel that offered:
- Complimentary high-speed internet
- Complimentary access to the fitness spa
- Complimentary use of pool towels and other pool accessories

...all for $12 a day.

This was called a "resort fee" on the bill. I'm not sure what was complimentary about it. Basically what that suggests is "Normally, we'd just charge you $12 for the hell of it and you'd get nothing, zero, zip, nada, zilch. But in our case, you actually get these items for your $12, so in effect, we're giving them to you for free!" Does that make sense? Can I get a resounding "NO!"

I went shopping for clothes. I spent around $130, but beneath that line it had another line item that said "You saved $124!" No I didn't! I spent $130. I didn't save a thing. If I wanted to save, I wouldn't have spent the $130 in the first place. Then they could've given me a receipt that said "You saved $130!" That would be true.

Bought a new washer/dryer combo from a store a month ago. The salesperson tried to entice me to upgrade my choice of models. I had chosen a package for $1,300 on sale (originally $1,700). He wanted to show me a combo worth $1,800 on sale (originally $2,700).

He started off by saying "...but if you choose this model over here, you save $900!"
I said to him: "No, I'm spending $500 more than the ones I've chosen."
He looked at me like he had me: "Yes, this is true, but you're not saving $900."
Me: "Based on your logic, I have to spend $500 more to save $900. Maybe I should spend $10,000 and you can save me $1,000. That would be the best, right?!"

He stopped talking.

General rule of thumb: If you have to spend money in order to save money, you didn't save a thing.

As I've said in the past: If you pay him enough, maybe he'll do it for free.

Random Thoughts about...The Praying Mantis

I saw a praying mantis on TV the other day. Very facinating creature, but it got me thinking:

1) To whom or to what is the praying mantis praying to?
2) What happens if the praying mantis happens to be atheist? Is it then just called a mantis? You can tell which ones are atheist because their front legs aren't bent.
3) Given that a female praying mantis will eat the head of the male mantis after mating, apparently it's probably praying for forgiveness.
4) Put 10 or more praying mantises (manti?) together, and they'll all start to chant hyms. Scary stuff.

For Sale

I love advertising. I love how they make use of the english language. The other day, I was browsing through a brochure on a new condo development. It's always interesting to note how they describe the features of the units. Some actual, unedited examples:

• "Distinctive suite entrance with elegant mouldings, hardware, and entrance door." Doesn't that mean you get a door frame with door knobs and a door??
• "Pot lites." Geez, they don't even use the word "lights" anymore.
• "Premium chrome pullout kitchen faucet." Premium chrome? Premium? Can you have premium chrome? Isn't that like saying premium cardboard?
• "Upgraded appliances." Upgraded from what?
• Everything also seems to be too big for this unit -- "Oversized shower", "Oversized mirror", "Oversized balcony." How does anything fit? Is anything regular-sized anymore?
• "Custom mirror." That means it's round instead of square.
• "Entertainment-sized living room" What the hell is "entertainment-sized?" I've never heard of that size before? Can you order popcorn in that size? Can you order a drink from McDonalds in that size? "Yes, I'll get the Big Mac combo, but make that drink entertainment-sized, please."
• "Designer laminate flooring" What is "designer laminate?" Is it made by Levi's or Guess or something?
  

Can you believe all that? It's so easy to see through what they're saying.

P.S. I move in next month.

P.P.S. Just kidding. ;)

Sounds like...

I hope that cars gets faster and soon we'll all be driving really fast on the highway, but not too fast. Like imagine if you could drive faster than the speed of sound? You'd get to work quicker, but you'd never be able to use your horn.

Sunday's Ideas

• I think the phrase "He shoots, he scores!" is in the wrong order.
• I try to live in the past. Housing prices were cheaper.
• I won't say which brand, but I noticed a certain pop is advertising "Authentic blend of 23 flavours". Now I don't know about you, but aren't all blends authentic? Can you have a fake blend? Secondly, IT'S POP! What blend of flavours are we talking about? This ain't KFC. It's pop! It's sugar, water, and a couple more heaping tablespoons of sugar.
• "And so the plot thickens..." I like to use potato starch to thicken the plot. It's healthy and Kosher for Passover.
• How many times has someone said to you they're a "little iffy". I have yet to see someone be more than a little. Has anyone been a LOT iffy? Maybe it's about time.
• You eat corn on the cob. Chew it thoroughly. Yet somehow it comes out whole again on the other side. How does that happen? Nevermind, I don't want to know.
• Good news: I stopped biting my nails.
  Bad news: I started biting other people's nails. You think they'll notice?
• How do you get soy milk? The last time I checked, soy doesn't have nipples.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. I don't actually eat the apple -- I just throw it at the doctor. I pegged him once with a granny smith. Damn, my doctor is slow!
  

Some thoughts for today

• Someone told me they're going shopping because there's a pair of shoes with their name on it. I bet that dude Nike says that all the time.


• A study just came out saying 8 out of 10 accidents are caused by inattentiveness. I thought 10 out of 10 accidents were caused by them being an ACCIDENT. If they're caused by something else, it's not an accident.


• Do you think kids grew up to be clowns because their parents said "Don't make me wipe that grin off your face?"


• When I used to hand in essays, I'd say to my teacher "Mark my words, I'd better get a good grade!" They never got the joke.


• I don't really have a train of thought. My thoughts are limited to the caboose.


• Whatever happened to acid rain? You don't hear much about that anymore. Maybe it's time they hire a new agent. Last I heard, they were opening for Guns 'N' Roses.


• Have you ever started spinning in a swivel chair and wondered if you swiveled too much, the chair would unscrew itself and you'd topple over? Yeah, me neither.


• Did you know if you try to fold any size piece of paper in half more than 5 times, you can't? This is impressive given you can barely fold a tree in half more than once.


• I'm trying to be more spontaneous. For example, I plan on being spontaneous next Wednesday.

Weird Signs

Not only do I come across weird ingredient lists, sometimes I see weird signs. I don't have my camera with me, but my cell phone has a lovely little device that claims to take pictures.

Here's a few signs I've come across:

The way this sign is worded, it looks like in order to enter, I have leave.



Here's someone who's geographically challenged. Do Italians make New York Style pizza?



I came across this label on a crock pot. The way I read this, the crock pot is really big -- it holds up to 5 or 6 people!

The letter "A"

Who cares about the big-O when you can have the big-A instead!

Huh?

The letter A and your body are closer than you know. Add the letter A to various body parts, and you have whole new words. Where did this come from?

Abreast
Afoot
Ahead

Interesting, eh? Someone give this guy a hand...seriously...

Two

Now it's time to talk about two.

First, a brief lesson.

Two -- this is the number. The number 2.
To -- this is the preposition. "I want to give you this." or "I turned to you."
Too -- this is the adverb. "Did you get chocolate, too?" or "That movie was too difficult to watch."

But what's special about the number two?

It's violent: "Kill two birds with one stone." Why are we trying to kill these poor birds? Can't we leave them alone? And why with stones? That sounds difficult and time consuming. One good shot with a rifle can kill many birds. So lets go with "Kill many birds with one shot." More efficient that way.

It's dirty: "I don't give two shits." First, that sounds a bit unhealthy. You should shit, and shit regularly. Though, no one really wants you to give the shit to anyone, and this applies to one shit, let alone two of them.

It's philosophical: "It takes two." Two of what...or whom?

It's medical: "Take two and call me in the morning." I think in first year med school, there's a class called "Two Pills 101". One day, I'm hoping to see a pharmaceutical company release a pill called "Just One".

Borders

Have you ever noticed how powerful those little plastic dividers are at the grocery store? There you are, putting your food on that little conveyer belt that flings your food towards the cashier spilling everything.

You thought everything was fine and dandy as you pick up the broccoli that toppled over the edge, when suddenly, a threat! Another shopper is placing their food on that same conveyer belt!

You quickly spring into action, and put one (sometimes two!) plastic dividers between your food and their food. On this side: my food! On that side: their food! Don't you cross that divider! I can see that bag of Oreos just leaning over the divider into my territory, almost touching my lemons!

I think this would be a great way to seal any border!

"Hey, lets try to sneak over!"
"No way, man! They've got those dividers up."
"Bummer. Hey, pass me the Oreos, will ya..."

Live Hard. Laugh Harder.

• "Onwards and upwards": Many times have I gone onwards. Not too often have I gone upwards. Never have I done both. I would imagine that's difficult to achieve -- unless you use Viagra.
• I voted for the election last week at an Advanced Polling Station. I believe I'm an advanced person, thus I qualified.
• A friend of mine told me when she gets drunk, it sounds like she speaks "in tongues". I said "Well that's why no one understands you. Try speaking in words."
• Last night, I took a walk on the wild side. It was too wild, so it turned into a run. Luckily, I rounded the corner and ended up on Easy Street. Both of those streets are in the middle of Nowhere. You can find Nowhere just east of Cheektowaga.
• "It's the thought that counts." -- Usually, if someone is saying that, it means there was no thought in the first place.
• I once coughed, sneezed, and farted all at once. I lost 15 lbs. Two people died.
• Do you think photographers get kick-backs from the Dairy Board everytime they tell someone to "Say cheese!"

English is Weird

• "I'm under the weather." -- I hope so. If you're above the weather, you'd better be in a plane
• "Fall asleep" -- I've never really fallen asleep. That's not entirely true. I tripped once and knocked myself unconscious. That time, I fell asleep.
• "Take a bath." -- Where are all these people going with these baths? Is there a mysterious dumping ground of baths?
• Any comparison to hell, "Cold as hell", "Warm as hell". Hell seems to be many things. And apparently, many people have gone there to check these things out so we can make these comparisons.
• "Kicked some ass" -- Has this happened? Ever?
• "Like shooting fish in a barrel" -- Hey, lets calm down now. If they're in a barrel, you've caught them already. Chill out.
• "Scared half-to-death" -- What happens if this happens to you twice?
• "Life is like a box of chocolates" -- No, life has nothing to do with chocolates. I love chocolates. My life is full of chocolates everyday. Life is not like it, though...Well I suppose there are a few nuts...
• "If life throws you a lemon, make lemonade" -- I've never, EVER been thrown a lemon by life or anyone else. Maybe that's because I'm too busy eating these chocolates...
• "The proof is in the pudding" -- No, my spoon is in the pudding! See chocolates reference above.
• "Have your cake and eat it too" -- Why is this a bad thing? Can you imagine if people always only had cake but never ate it? There'd be tons of cake laying around and no one to eat any of it!
• "Good things come in small packages" -- No they don't. Think about that one for a moment...

Happy New(?) Year

Happy new year to all. I'm a few days too late, but I can still wish someone a happy new year. In fact, I have until December 31st. The next day it becomes an old year, and there's no point in wishing someone a happy old year.

• I tried to have a Zest for life, but that's a long time to have one bar of soap
• When one horse thinks another horse is cute, do they think they're "hot to trot?"
• Anytime anyone says "I couldn't help but overhear..." that really means they couldn't help but overhear but also be nosy enough to bring it up anyways.
• If an organization becomes disorganized, do they lose their status as an organization? Do they become a disorganization?
• You "deliver" a package. But if I had to remove a liver, then that would be "to de-liver".
• "Odd" has three letters.
• "Even" has four letters.
• The word "wife" has a plural, though you're not supposed to have more than one.
• Ever notice that you can put any combination of letters in front of "illion" to make it sound like a big number? Zillion, cabillion, megadegakillionillion...
• Do you arrive ON time or IN time for a meeting? Personally, I save myself the trouble and show up late.

New Years Day Random Thoughts

• Someone told me the other day they "hem and haw" about things. My mom used to hem -- pants. What's haw?
• "Cross my heart and hope to die!". Pretty violent way to say "I promise," don't you think? I'll just stick with "I promise"
• I find it ironic that gas station food causes gas.
• When I was a kid, my mom used to say "Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite." Scared the crap out of me. I'd spend an hour afraid of biting bed bugs. Now I'm no longer afraid, but I can't say "bed bugs bite" three times quickly.
• I've never had a cup of coffee in my life. Seriously. That might be because I don't have time in-between my 5 cups of vodka a day.
• True story. Overheard on the radio last week regarding a dismembered body found in an alley: "An autopsy is being conducted to confirm foul play and rule out other possibilities such as an industrial accident or drug overdose." I've never done drugs, but last I checked, doing drugs doesn't cause your arms and legs to fall off.
• Anyone find it odd eating heated turkey meat will make you sleepy? Does a turkey out in the sun get tired? (Editors note: Yes, I know the answer to this one -- save the emails.)
• If you forget something, how do you know you've forgotten it -- unless you remember you've forgotten something. Doesn't that mean you should be able to remember it? I need a drink.
• How is it that ghosts seem to be able to easily walk between walls, but you never see them fall through the floor? Does gravity apply to ghosts?
• I hope one day we breed pigs that have wings and can fly. That way, all those people who've said "When pigs can fly" will have to do all that shit they didn't want to do.

Yet Another Ingredient List

Ingredient list on a bacon and egg sandwich
found in a gas station: Bacon, fried egg
...and then at the end in bold: "Note: May contain eggs."

1/4 pound hamburger
It's a "1/4 pound burger with cheese".

The label says this 1/4 pound burger is 170 grams. For those of you who use imperial, instead of metric, that's 6 ounces -- or 3/8 of a pound. I'm not complaining, but now I want to know where the extra 1/8 of a pound is coming from. Ever put together a bookshelf and you have an extra screw or nail when you're done? Then you slowly look up at that 4-level bookshelf waiting for it to topple over because of that one screw?

That's how I feel about this burger.

Turkey sandwich: Turkey, mustard and twisted bread

Now, granted, the bread was in a braid. But I've never seen someone go to that extreme. Had it been just regular bread, would they have called it "flat bread"? Or perhaps they meant it's twisted in another way?

Now that I think about it, when I opened the package, I heard a maniacal laugh come out from underneath the turkey. Hmmmmm....