- The opposite of "outlaw" is "in-law". I would tend to disagree that they're opposites.
- "Suck up", "Ass kisser", "Brown noser", "Boot licker" all essentially mean the same thing. Do you get the impression someone watched one too many porn movies?
- When vampires die, do they go to bloody hell?
- Has it dawned on anyone that during the 70's and 80's, McDonalds had television commericals that involved a clown, a thief and a purple blob? Anyone else find that a bit weird?
- Weathermen have the easiest job. They assign "probabilities" to the weather. There's an 80% chance of rain. Either way, they win. If it didn't rain, then they can say, that was part of the forecast: 20% chance of no rain.
- Contrary to popular belief, it's easily possible to stuff more than 20 people into a car. Don't ask me how I know that.
- I've heard the saying "Talk is cheap". The person who made that saying has never called a 1-900 number
- Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. One you can wear around your neck. The other poops in your shoe. Someone got ripped off in this deal.
Monday, December 31, 2007
1) Processed salami
2) Mock chicken loaf
First, what is "mock chicken loaf"? Think about this for a moment. It's not even REAL chicken loaf, it's MOCK chicken loaf.
Chicken loaf itself isn't even a real thing. Chicken loaf is a processed, fake product. So what this is saying is the fake thing isn't even real. The fake thing is fake?!
What this also means is that it's not saying what it IS. It's saying what it's NOT! If it's fake chicken loaf, then what is it really?
Ingredient for a chicken honey mustard sandwich:
"cutlette shaped chicken"
I don't know about you, but I've never seen a chicken shaped like a cutlette. Maybe they have a special farm for these chickens?
Ingredients for a hamburger:
Burger, bun. May contain wheat, milk, eggs, sulphites, soy, and sesame.
Does it scare you that the "may contain" list is larger than the "definite" list? Do I want to know how milk and soy ends up in a hamburger?
Saturday, December 29, 2007
- Beer truck spills load -- thousands pull over to help with cleanup
- Scientists find that 9 out of 10 people have short-term memory problems and 9 out of 10 people have short-term memory problems
- There is a strong buzz in town about the upcoming film festival. Experts attribute the buzz to a swarm of bees.
- Scientists announced that nailpolish remover will dissolve the glue that causes birds of a feather to stick together
- Members of the Invisible Club closed shop today, as attendence numbers were always in dispute
- The world's record for largest female formation during a skydive was set today. In related news, the world's record for the largest all-male audience watching a skydiving event with erections was also set today.
- A Miami, Florida weatherman quit today after 20 years when he realized he's been giving the exact same forecast every single day: Sunny, high of 93, chance of hurricanes.
My theory? Kindergarten. Remember the song: "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."
That's where we learned it! Why do you think when we're mad, we stomp our feet?
Just be thankful the song didn't go, "If you're happy and you know it, shit your pants..."
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
- According to the packaging, Sour Cream and Bacon Potato Chips are Kosher -- this means there is absolutely no bacon, nor is there sour cream in the chips...at all.
- The Sun is 7 light-minutes away from Earth, meaning if it blew up right now, we wouldn't know about it for 7 minutes. So I'm not going to mow the grass tonight...I'm a gambling man.
- A dog wags it's tail when it's happy. It also wags it's tail just before it lunges at your throat.
- Ferrets can catch the human flu from people. A person can also catch the flu from a ferret. Therefore, do not french-kiss ferrets.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, but they also use more fertilizer.
- Prenatal vitamins are not safe for children.
- When a bee gets drunk, is it buzzed? Sorry, it's a holiday. I'm allowed to ask.
- Can soap get dirty? If so, how do you clean it?
- Heard on the radio the other day, this ad: "Are you hard of hearing? Can't hear anything? Maybe it's time you get a hearing aid from..." I won't mention the product name. So let me ask. If you're hard of hearing, you're listening to this ad how?
- When frogs play leapfrog, do they call it leapme?
- When one "toots their horn", what part of their body are they tooting?
- Having sex with three people is a menage-a-trois. With four people, it's a fourgasm
We don't have that here in Canada. No need. We're so passive, all the government would need to do is say "please".
Government: "We need your land!"
Person: "No! Are you friggin' nuts! Get the hell out of here!"
Government: "Alright, you leave us no choice. We need your land, PLEASE."
Person: "Well geez, if you're saying please, then I dunno. I guess. Here are the keys."
Monday, December 24, 2007
A couple months back, I was in line to pick up a package. It was a relatively small room with a relatively large line, so the line had to snake and weave around the room. Aren't those lines fun? You're actually 5 feet from the counter, yet somehow there are 20 other people in line.
Well a lady walks in, and just stands right at the counter. Well of course, people immediately got into a huff and told her to stand at the end of the line. She said she knew there was a lineup and she was in it, but she was choosing to stand where she was. Apparently the concept of LINE-UP was lost on her. It wasn't a case of pick a number and when the number is called you're up front. She just decided to make up her own rules about a lineup.
Another story: I was in a store waiting to get my passport photo done. The gentleman behind the counter told me to hang on as they were just finishing with someone else, which I could plainly see in front of me. A minute later, they wrapped up and I was about to sit on the chair when literally out of the, a lady makes a beeline into the store and plops down on the chair with a huff. I look at her and the gentleman with a smile and said I believed I was next. The gentleman said: "Well, she was actually in here a half hour ago."
I was a bit confused by this. She wasn't even in the store moments ago. Now suddenly she's in front of the line. Apparently, you can be in line without having to even be there. I pointed this out to both of them by making this point: "Well, I was in here the other day. Does that make me go before her?" They both looked at me like I had said something horribly unreasonable, to which I pointed out, "So why does she get to go ahead even though she wasn't even in line?" They both looked confused.
Do I sound angry? Good. I'm going to start a new business: Lineup etiquette. I'd love to hear your stories...
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Ignoring my last post for a moment, do I ever have a headache. That's not much fun. I rarely get them. If I DO get one, that means I'm probably coming down with something. Now's not a good time to come down with something.
The last time someone came down with something and it was a good thing was when Moses came down with the 10 Commandments. After that, coming down with something has been bad.
Maybe I should catch something instead of coming down with it. There's lots of things you can catch and some of them might even be good. Like fish, for example. I could catch a fish. That's something good to catch. The fish may not agree, though.
Time to stop taking this medication.
Next time you're talking with a women friend of yours and they mention having been on a date, look for using the word "stuff".
For example, "...and then we went to the park to talk and stuff." Or, "...so we just had some wine and watched a movie and stuff."
Us guys don't have code-words. That would be too complicated.
Gotta go. I've got stuff to do...
So here's the deal: I sometimes think about or notice things that don't make sense to me. When that happens, I'll post them here. They might be about anything ranging from tuxedos to garden hoses -- though likely not at the same time.
I'll be honest. At first, many of these blogs will come from other blogs. What can I tell you, I like to share.
So here we go. My first time...again. Sort of like a born-again virgin, eh? I lost my virginity at age 18. At age 25 I found it again. Damn thing rang the doorbell, and I stupidly answered. This is why you always ask first before opening the door. *Sigh*.